93.4 lbs

same as yesterday.
not good, but not bad I guess.

I want to be 90lbs again. ugggh...my ass needs to spend more time in the gym, obviously.

Here I am feeling like I’ve fallen off the very happy wagon around which my life now happily revolves. But now I could use some help (and that’s not something easy to admit).

I KNOW I’m not really taking care of myself as start stressing out over everything I put near my mouth again, start doing massive amounts of cardio again, start doing a million things I said i'd never do...AGAIN. Just before I left here, I was ten pounds (yes, ten!) lighter than I am today. I do admit… everyone at the time was telling me I was way too skinny - and as gratifying as I most often found those comments (in the most dysfunctional female sort of way, lapping up everyone’s concern as well as the envy of other equally vain and dysfunctional females), I did realize that I was in fact too thin (yes, it’s possible). Right now i'm bouncing around 95lbs. Logically, I know this is too thin for my frame. I KNOW it's unhealthy, because people still tell me. So why do I continue to step on that scale each and every morning, praying that it's a number even SLIGHTLY lower then it was from before? Even maintaince has become unacceptable. There is so maintaince weight...that idea is bullshit. At least for me anyways.

And here’s another thing…I've researched and studied each measurement of nearly every model i'd kill to look like, and if you adjust for height between them all, the weight difference is significant, which is something people like me need to keep reminding themselves.

Why do I still feel the need shed pounds so that people will start calling me skeletal again? So that random people in the gym will glare at me uncomfortabley as I breeze through the cardio room?

Despite the happy medium that I know has to exist, somewhere over this past month or so I managed to ride the fat train(ok, i'm exaggerating a BIT) way past the Happy Medium stop. Now I find myself in that zone where, even though I hide it reasonably well, I just don’t like the extra luggage I’m toting around. I can feel it clinging to me, and I hate it. I could probably write pages and pages about all of this, particularly about all the emotional reasons why these things happen (why do we sometimes so deliberately sabotage ourselves??). The point is, that even while consuming (almost entirely) all healthy foods, I’ve managed to find my way back to a place where I’m once again stressing about what I eat, even when it’s mostly organic and good for me.

SIGH.

This is a joke. Throwing in the towel and letting this win seems inevitable.
Cynical? Realistic.

Dear April:

i am incredibley proud of you...keep up the good work, and your reward will come soon enough. Don't give up when the goal is so clear in sight.

Signed,
April





I believe I deserved that.
I normally get mad at myself for fucking up at little things that could've been done "better" during the course of the day, but as of the last two weeks, I have to give myself credit for not binge eating at ALL..(sorry if this sounds like bragging, i really don't mean for it to) this is a really big accomplisment for me..since i usually fuck up at least ONCE every week..but lately, as the numbers on the scale get lower and lower, every time i smell something delicious, i just remind myself "no april, you're SO close..do it, and you'll regret it..trust me" and then remember that that food..that taste..is only temporary..granted weight is as well, but i'll feel much better about having that weight rather then that taste in my mouth.

Also, another reason and motivation for me to get at my weight loss goal sooner...i have a hot date coming up. :]
normally, i'd be indifferent to it..since i've been single for so long (about 3 years roughly), anything having to do with dating is kind of neutral ground for me..but trust, this guy...so unbelievable.

SO, with that said...i have until this coming saturday to get into decent shape...which, if i continue on my good behavior, shouldn't be too hard to do..

i've also come to the conclusion that no weight goal will actually ever exist for me. so, i've devised a plan for when i hit my 95lbs "goal"...i plan on moving up my caloric intake to about 400-450 calories..which is A LOT for me..since i usually stay under 80 daily (eek, i know)...and then, hopefully, i'll have enough energy throughout the day to function without feeling like i'm going to blackout..and i'll get to go workout on a normal basis...this will be my "healthy" alternative to the way i'm going about things now..i realize it's STILL unhealthy, yes, but i think we can all agree that 450 calories a day, is MUCH better then 50 calories..

anyways, that's my "maintance" plan. hopefully it works..because i know if it doesn't (being realistic here) i'll probably relapse back into the 50 calorie a day habit until i can get back at the 95lbs mark.

i'm really looking forward to the day the scale reads those numbers.
not because of vainty...no..this has nothing to do with that...because honestly, i KNOW i'm not fat..my size one's are practically falling off my ass..haha..
that'll be the day, i promised myself, that i'll try to learn to start loving myself...which, unfortunately means i'll have to stop visiting these websites...because if i'm on here..and i read about girls who are at their "80lbs" marks, i'll just try to be thinner..and i'm scared to death of what that'll do to my health..(even though, who am i kidding..i'm already REALLY unhealthy)..if anybody wants to keep in contact, and try out the same type of thing with me once you reach your goal..whatever that may be, you can always ask for my aim or email (or myspace, haha) and we can do this together..because i know it's going to be hard as hell for me..but not nearly as hard as trying to get thinner and thinner..and only getting sicker and closer to an inevitable early grave.

i really hope my plan works (my friend's a nutritionist and an ex-anorexic and she said that for maintaining a weight around there, a caloric intake of anywhere from 500-600 calories would be ideal, but i'm going with 450 just to be safe, and also based upon my light exercise habits since i tend to get lazy)...and the sooner i can reach my mark, the sooner my life can FINALLY begin.

sorry for the long ass post, and thanks for reading if you actually took the time to do so. haah.

<3

today, was the BEST day ever...


and then...

by 7:00pm, it was FUCKED..completely, ruined...everything..



so, i weighed myself this morning, and i was at my lowest weight, 111.2 lbs. it was such an amazing feeling seeing those numbers on the scale, i could've cried. breakfast, all i had was coffee, lunch, i had a few cherries, good right?

WRONG.

7:00pm my entire family (mom, dad, brother, aunts, uncles, etc) want to go out to celebrate my cousin's engagement...fine..but where do they want to go?
TO FUCKING EAT OF COURSE.
and where at?
AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT.


there was no way out of it, and everybody's been watching me all day.
as soon we got there, the food had already been ordered for everyone (i guess it was like a pick and choose sort of thing) and my plate had been made. they made me eat everything. everytime i tried to just have a little bit, they'd whisper and stare..it was complete shit.
the most fattening food imaginable, pizza..pasta..breads..butters...and then some cream thing for desert. :/

i probably ate like over 1000 calories in that alone. :[
i want to cry.
i want to throw it all up, but i can't.

i'm really not looking forward to weighing in tomorrow

so, today went from amazing..to complete shit by mid afternoon..

this morning i got on the scale, and holy shit.. 114.8 !!!
i was so excited, i could've kissed the scale. haha

by 2:00pm, i went out shopping with my mom..and she wanted to go out for lunch, i said no thank you..and she went completely mad going off on this tangent of how i'm not eating anything, blah blah blah..you know..

SO, just to shut her up..i had to go and eat all that stupid food she INSISTED on eating..
i wanted to throw it up soo bad, my god..but she's been watching me like a hawk ALL day..

thankfully, i restricted myself enough to where i'm pretty sure i stayed under 400..and i just got back from an hour and fifteen minute walk/jog..which probably burned anywhere from 150-250 calories..so hopefully i didn't gain any weight from today's mishaps. :/

if i stay the same (or hopefully less) when i weigh in tomorrow, i'll be beyond happy.


hope today went better for you guys then it did for me. :/
<3

alright, so this morning..i SWEAR..i was pretty fucking close to passing out at my work desk, just right there and then.

so i called off the rest of the day (which wasn't really that big of a deal considering today was my short day) went home, weighed in (120lbs. ehh) and had some low calorie lettuce wraps (prob. about 50 calories total since there was literally NOTHING in them) and figured that should hold me over for the rest of the day.

even though it was only 50 calories..my GOD..it made me feel so much better..and hopefully that'll kick up my metabolism since fasting was really doing jack shit for me..ESPECIALLY considering the amount of effort and all the side-effects to it..it just wasn't worth it in the end.
my dumbass body decided that if i wanted to fast, it was going to hold onto every last bit of fat it could..which, apparently it did a good job of since i only lost a pound and a half. >:l


anywho..i'm going to start the 2468 tomorrow FOR SURE.

who wants to join? :]
lemme know asap!
i need all the support i can get..you guys have been great so far, so thanks for all the encouragement i've been getting!

until tomorrow!